Tuesday, May 10, 2011

what's really been going on...

Maybe you've noticed that I was absent from the blog for a week?  Or maybe not. 

I hadn't announced it on the blog because I wanted to wait until I was out of my first trimester, but we found out about a month ago that I was pregnant.  Yes, I took two tests.  You never know when you might get a defective one, right?!  Well, for the past week or so we have been privately dealing with the heartbreak of losing this pregnancy.  Mark and I spent the majority of the day last Monday in the ER and the week that has followed has been emotional and painful, not the least of which was that we had to tell Reid that he was not going to be getting a new baby brother or sister.  To say he was devastated would be an understatement.  I don't want to elaborate too much on the details, but wanted to let you know where I've been. 

You might remember from this post that I am the advice friend.  Here is a little secret about your advice friend: we don't have an advice friend of our own.  We tend to need to be independent and strong and have it all together.  I don't like asking for help and I certainly don't like admitting that I am not in a good place. 

But, there you have it.  That's what's been going on.  In between unpacking boxes and trying to get back to normal after the move, I have little crying sessions here and there at the most random moments as I work through it all and all the emotions and hormonal changes and mourning that come along with losing a pregnancy.  Honestly, I have been grateful for the distraction of the move because it hasn't allowed me a lot of time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. 

I feel like I am slowly starting to feel okay about it and although I wish I could say it's "over", I haven't actually miscarried yet.  We were waiting to see if I could do it naturally, but since it has been over a week now since the baby stopped developing, it looks as though I will be going in to the hospital on Friday.  We've been told that we can't wait past that time because of the risk of me getting an infection.  So, if you are the praying kind, send one up for me on Friday if you think of it.  I'm sure things will be fine, but I don't look forward to being put under and it makes me very nervous to go to the hospital for any kind of procedure.

I don't want this post to be a downer and I don't want to dwell too much on our sad news, so I thought I'd show you all some photos of the new house. 

Disclaimer: no room in the house is fully, unpacked, organized or finished.  It is a crazy mess around here and although I feel like I have spend at least 40 hours trying to get things ship shape, I feel like I have about a hundred more to go.  Please don't judge me, or my mess.  It's a work in progress.  Consider these the "before" pictures, lol!

{Upstairs loft with deck that has a great view of the pier.  It looks really pretty at night when the pier is all lit up.} 

{I would prefer for everything to be painted white, but all the woodwork and arched ceilings add a lot of character.  It's an original 1930's craftsman.}

 {More woodwork, more wood, more boxes.  One of my favorite things about this house is that there is no carpet.  Yay!!  This is the paint color you guys helped with.  It was the swatch labeled number 4, although I think it looks completely different than the painted swatch.  It's Dunn Edwards Bungalow Taupe.  It's a nice peanut-ish shade of neutral and it's not to brown or yellow}

{Our messy Dining Room.  Love this paint color.  It is Restoration Hardware Slate.}

{View from Dining Room into Living Room.  You can sort of see the sunroom off to the right.  Those wood doors open into it.  It's so bright that I wasn't able to snap a photo.  It is being converted into a study for Reid.}

{Kitchen.  Love: the butcher block countertops.  Not so in love with the cabinet stain.  Stay tuned to see the transformation when these get painted white in a couple weeks!}

{View from Grant's room into the Kitchen.}

{My NEW workshop and home of all things {starfish}!!!  So excited about this, I can't even tell you.  It's a separate building off the back of the house, about 250 square feet with white open beamed ceilings and plenty of room to create, blog, and ship!!  Yeehaw!!  Probably the best thing about the new house.  I will do a reveal post in the next few weeks!!  PS Please pretend not to notice that the yard is completely trenched up.  The sprinklers in the back were being installed the day I took this photo!} 

And, that is it!  I hope you enjoyed the house tour!!


  1. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You don't need to apologize for being absent or for the yard and house, you just moved, it is to be expected (now what's my excuse hmmm) :)
    Your new home is going to be amazing. I will say a prayer for your health now.

  2. I'm so sorry to hear that...I know words cannot fully describe how heartbreaking this must be, and I know words can never replace something lost like that...

    Your house is gorgeous. It's going to look amazing when it's all put together. :]

  3. Amber -- sorry for your news. I know there are never the right words. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  4. Your new house is beautiful and provides a new positive direction to look forward to. I also am currently going through a miscarriage and can totally relate to all the emotions attached to it. I debated whether or not to share the news on my blog and ultimately decided to. I am so glad I did, it has been very healing. Thought I would share my post with you: http://bugger-dixonline.blogspot.com/2011/05/my-lesson-of-loss-good-things-fall.html

    hugs, Jenny

  5. I'm so sorry. I will definitely pray for you.

  6. Amber- I'm sorry your family is going through so much right now. My heart and prayers are with you, especially on Friday ! Never make excuses for your house being a mess, your one of the neatest people I know. I am also trying to unpack from a move, and sometimes it's hard to know where to start. It feels like sometimes I'm just moving junk from one place to another til I find it a place. So I so feel ya there! Let me know how your cabinets turn out and how you do it.
    xoxo- Karin

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Your new home looks great.

  8. I am sorry for your loss. I lost a pregnancy 2 years ago this spring. It was hard, but there is an end to the sadness. Love the house! I adore the striped curtains in Grant's room.

  9. thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and will be especially on friday. so heartbreaking.

    i love the style of your new home, it is so much work moving in and getting settled huh?! you are going to be one busy lady for a long time! i am so jealous of your little workshop area! i don't sell anything, but try to be pretty crafty, i do have a room, but to have a workshop would be dreamy!

  10. Aww sweetie I am so very sorry. You are fir sure in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that all goes well if you need to go in on Friday. Allow yourself time to grieve and also a distraction is good, your new house is beautiful and I know that you will create a wonderful home. :)
    Hugs to you!

  11. Just sent you a text. So sad to read this. Call me, I've been there, twice. Love the new house!!!!

  12. I'm so sorry for your loss, Amber! But on the plus side, you have something else new and exciting in your life to provide you with a nice distraction and help you get through this difficult time.

  13. I am very sorry to hear of you hard news and commend you for looking forward but knowing it's okay to be sad and cry too. Can you please tell me where you bought those FAB striped curtains? Are the room darkening? ? Please email me if you find the time. Aprilwz @ gmail dot com

  14. Man that really sucks! I'm so sorry for your loss... Good luck with Friday! Love the house so far!

  15. Amber...You and your family are in my prayers, and are in the hearts of so many of us that follow you...

    Your new home is beautiful. How exciting to have a Studio for Starfish!

    Best of love to all you!
    ~ Lynne

  16. I am so sorry for your loss. . . . there is no need to apologize, of course!! It is healthy to cry and grieve and deal with the loss. I am glad that your new house will be a good distraction for you. It is beautiful. :)

  17. I am sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I have a friend who is going through a similar thing, including the move. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Your presence was missed, but your absence is more than understandable. Take care of yourself, and squeeze the ones that you have been blessed with.

  18. Ooohhhh my gosh Im so sorry to hear such tragic news. My heart really goes out to you and your family. I will be thinking about you this week.

    this song on Kurt Ellings album always gets me when I think about the firends I have lost.

    A Secret I
    Music by Herbie Hancock
    Lyric by Kurt Elling
    Originally titled "Alone And I" from the 1962 recording Takin' Off

    Alone and I can see the moonlight and starlight
    as they plant kisses on my dreams and thoughts
    In moments passing by me

    -- and the sound of laughing voices as they call me so softly,
    "come a little closer, Darling - won't you? - and love me a little while."

    And, if it seems your whole life is spent blooming, it's a miracle.
    but it could happen.

    I used to think death was just an ending, not a starting up.
    But then a friend of mine, a man,
    he up and died one Tuesday.

    Now he lives inside of me and all his other friends.
    And we welcome him into ourselves in a way that makes us more like him.
    It's friendly gravity we're pulling on.

    And the white moon told me it was so.

    Alone and I will love the moonlight a little more these days.

  19. My heart breaks for you! I will definitely send up a prayer on Friday. He listens and I know He will help you! What a beautiful home and blog. Thanks for sharing a part of yourself with everyone else. That in itself takes courage. Your friend in the blogosphere... :D Lori

  20. Stay strong~and keep your head ABOVE the "why"? God really does have our plan....even tho' we don't really get what the heck he is doing sometimes!! lol Wow...your "canvas" of a new home....SO Exciting (: Looking forward to the after pics~ hang in there.

  21. I am so very sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you..... my sincere sympathy goes out to you....

  22. Amber...I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Stay strong...

  23. Amber, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be in my prayers. When we suffered a loss of a pregnancy a few years ago, keeping busy helped me get through it. Unpacking and settling in seems like a good (though not complete) distraction. Hugs.....

    Your new home is beautiful! I can't wait to see your workshop!

  24. So sorry to read about your loss! There is a bigger plan but dealing with loss is always rough. Thoughts are with you on Friday that everything will go smoothly.

    Your house looks great! I just recently moved from San Diego and loved the beautiful homes there and miss it daily. Can't wait to see how it all turns out.

    I just recently started following your blog and love to read your updates. Keep them coming! Also I would be interested in a book club. I am always looking for new reads!

  25. Oh Amber, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that you and Betsy just celebrated Birthdays together. I will keep you in my prayers.

  26. Dear Amber,

    After reading your note my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach and it just ached for you. I too had a miscarriage and I realized it had been 11 years ago. It just seems like yesterday. I was 14 weeks pregnant and went in for a regualar check up and found that the baby had died at 9 1/2 weeks and I was still carry it. I was only 22 at the time and had only been married for 6 months. I was crushed and wondered why this had happened. It took me close to a year to recover and the same amount of time to get pregnant again. But when my first child, Erica, was born I realized why it all happened the way it did. That is not to say that it still didn't hurt and I still think about that baby. Someone told me "It's ok to cry, as much and as often as you need to". It was by far the best thing anyone could say.

    Many Hugs,
    Amber Workman

  27. I wandered over from Nester's Home Tour link up. I obviously loved how you had your home set up, but at the bottom of the post, the link to this caught my eye. I also had a pregnancy loss this year too. I really hope that you are having a good holiday season. It can still be hard.

    Your home is absolutely beautiful. I'm book marking to come back and check out more of your writing.

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