Tuesday, October 16, 2012

trying to feel normal again

 
 
{my Dad and I in August, shortly after his diagnosis.  I was getting weepy and he leaned in and told me a joke.}
 
 
 
I haven't blogged since July. 
 
That is when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer.  He passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly on 9/9/12 and I have been working my way through the grief day by day.  I miss him terribly.  I cry off and on throughout every day.  It's just right under the surface all the time. 
 
On bad days, I do the loud ugly cry, but mostly I have a few moments scattered here and there.  Grief is a new part of me.  Like an extra arm or leg.  It's just there all the time.  I wake up with it, I go to bed with it.  I eat with it.  It's not anything I can set aside or put away.  And I feel like it's written all over me too.  Like I have a big sign that says, "I just had to say goodbye to my Dad." 
 
It sucks.  Bad.
 
I think that's why I have a hard time coming back to the blog.  I've always wanted to the blog to be a happy place and there are many times that I intentionally haven't blogged because I don't want the blog to be a downer.  But I also want it to come across as real.  I don't want to be a fake version of me for the sake of the blog.  And, the reality is, I am not in a happy place. 
 
"Happy" is not even in my current range of emotion.  I go back and forth between "sad" and "numb" mostly.  On bad days, I feel angry and inconsolable.  On my best days, I feel hopeful.  Hopeful, that I will figure out how to live with the new appendage of grief, hopeful that I can find the joy in things again, hopeful that I can make a difference somehow through this, hopeful that someday, someone will ask how I am and I will answer "happy." 
 
That is the new truth about me.  It's just reality.  I think, at least I hope, that there might be some healing hidden in writing, so I am going to try to branch out of my comfort zone and write here again.  I miss it.  And I miss my readers.  Are there any of you left?  I'm just going to be honest and vulnerable here and try to make sense of it all.  Bare with me, I am still trying to figure out how this is going to go.


29 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your loss, I can't even imagine the sadness you are going through. I hope time heals you and things get better soon.

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  2. Hugs Amber. We'll still be here when you get back. Take the time you need. :)

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  3. So very sorry for your loss. My Dad died 5 years ago and I know how you are feeling. Here's a home truth...time doesn't heal all wounds. You will always miss your Dad, but the unbelievable grief does lessen, and the joy will come back to you.
    About your blog..if you're intention is to blog about what happens in your life there cannot be endless happy posts. Life just ain't like that.
    I'm so sorry you're going through this now and it will be hard to work through it but please believe me, you will be OK. Hugs..Maggie

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  4. I'm still here and have missed reading your blog and am so sooo very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine but I will pray for peace for you and your family.

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  5. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    http://daysofmichelleslife.blogspot.com/
    This is a blog that helps me. I go to it like a quite friend. If you have a moment read the lower right hand column.

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  6. It is good to see you back. He would want you to embrace your writing. He would want you to find happiness again. It is a process but it will happen. This was a good first step Amber.

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  7. I'm still here too. I love your blog and I LOVE LOVE LOVE your work. My dad passed 7/16/12 after a 14mo battle with cancer. It sucks. Everyday I'm reminded some way some how. I'm going to counseling and it is helping. But it's hard and it's hard to find the time. I know your pain and I am sorry. Please know we are here for you and are willing to wait or help whichever you need! HUGS!

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss Amber. I hope the coming days bring you peace and healing.

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  9. Hugs!!!! Think of you every day!

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  10. Thank you for being so vulnerable and real in front of all of us. I pray that every time you feel sad or hopeless/numb that you hear the joke your dad whispered in your ear the day the photo was taken. Big healing hug to you!!!

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  11. Amber, I lost my Dad almost four years ago and I still carry that sign. I'd love to be able to say that it gets better and easier. I can't. But I will say that you learn to live with it. And at some point, you'll catch yourself smiling at something that reminds you of your Dad. My moment came in the middle of a grocery store about 3 months after I lost my Dad. I started laughing. I sent a photo of what made me laugh to my sister and she called me and we laughed over the phone together. In the middle of Vons, there I was, laughing remembering my Dad. It was a nice change from crying in the middle of a store which I did (and still do) way too often. I remind myself, and this may help you too, that we were touched so deeply by our Dads. We loved and cared for them so much. Daddy's Girls, if you will. And we are blessed to have had such wonderful Dads who loved us so deeply and touched our lives so profoundly. I am truly sorry for your loss. I understand it inside and out, sideways and backwards, and you are 100% right. It sucks.

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  12. Still here and praying for peace and healing for your family. You should be artificial for the sake of "happy". Be well, Amber. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

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  13. Amber, I am deeply sorry to hear about your father's passing. You and your family will be in my prayers. **hugs**

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  14. I'm still here. Been missing your posts, but assumed (wrongly) that you were just busy with life. So incredibly sad to hear you were dealing with loss. Praying for you now. Praying you grieve with hope and that you take the time you need regain your balance. Blessings.

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  15. I'm lifting you in prayer now, for the strength you need and the peace, that one day, you WILL find. **HUGS**

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  16. Amber, I'm so glad you are blogging again. It will be healing for you and you know it is what your dad would have wanted you to do. I think of you every single day. I cant begin to imagine your grief. I am still crying every day about your dad. I went into a store yesterday and all the holiday crap was out. It really ticked me off. I thought 'Don't they know what happened? Who wants to celebrate?' I realize it was a stupid thought, but thats how I felt. I cried because I won't be getting another xmas picture from you parents. I would always tease your dad how they look the same in every picture.....never aged! Yes, I will miss that. This grief is so raw right now. I know in time it will ease, but when? This holiday season will be hard, but hopefully it will get easier. Your dad would not want you to be sad, especially for the sake of Reid and Grant. Remember,you have a little Rich Jr. in Reid! If you ever need to talk to someone and let the flood gates open...call me. I love you so much my dear sweet cousin. XOXO

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  17. So sorry to hear the reason for your absence. Praying for your family

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  18. Amber I am sorry for you loss. While I have not experienced the loss of parent, today marks the 7th anniversary of my Grandmother's death. She was the first person close to me that I lost & I was 26 & 6 months pregnant. We knew that it was coming and I have treasured pictures like you posted and was able to say what I needed. You will feel "happy" again but it does take awhile but the grief will always be there and come out in times when you least expect it, but so will the memories of happy times with your Dad, stories that you can share & most of all thoughts of him that will bring a smile to your face, like the joke he told you when the picture was being taken. Embrace the grief and allow yourself to feel it and go through it. A few years after my grandmother's death I did a project in rememberance of her, and it was the best thing for me but that was when I was ready to deal with all the emotions that came with it. May you feel God's prescence with you as journey down this road. God Bless you and your family. Vanessa

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  19. So very sorry for your loss. Glad you are trying to blog again...your readers will stick around. Just take your time!

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  20. Still here, too! Love to see you blog no matter what you're writing about! Hugs and prayers coming your way!

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  21. I am so sorry to hear this... I'll be thinking of you and sending you and your family lots of love.....

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  22. Still here, and so sorry for your loss. Nothing but support and love from this reader :)

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  23. Hi Amber, I am so very sorry for your loss. I wondered if something like this was happening for you. I have been a reader for awhile and enjoyed your tuesday posts. I enjoyed them for a few reasons... first I am a mom of 3 boys, two have red hair and the other is named Grant, so it was fun to see your boys. Also we were in the process of moving from KY to Temecula, so seeing pics of the SD area helped me get excited to move. I spent my summer in Phoenix with my mom taking care of her, she had stage IV lung cancer. We lost her on Aug. 14th. Hardest thing ever. Now I am in California with a new house and new beginnings, missing her terribly. She was so excited to have us closer by. My heart is sad for you and your family-tears rolled when I read this. It hits close to home. I hope you keep the blog going too-it doesn't all have to be perfect. Just know that you are not alone! Aly

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